….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me irl
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I hope it’s French Onion!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘