Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.