You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
You can’t rush stupid.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*