if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*puts words between two asterisks*