WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
got so much cardio in today
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]