[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
somebody come look at this
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Spring cleaning checklist…
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis