This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.