The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.