Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this