‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
What if all the cashiers are married?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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