My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee