Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
excuse me
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The dark side of Canada
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.