if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You Might Also Like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!