It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
You Might Also Like
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
favorite tropes as memes
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.