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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
đź¤
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.