Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.