Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all