ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
You Might Also Like
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday