So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.