My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.