I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
multitasking lunch
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
time for some seasonal decor
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.