[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.