Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
bad news gang
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
A drum solo but on your face.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY