My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok