ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese