MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Important
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.