From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.