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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I falcon love using swear birds
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.