3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
normalize having existential bread
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week