I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes