My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Yes, this is exactly right
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥