The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.