My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Ha
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
everyone’s a critic
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.