me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge