me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window