On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.