What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?