You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference