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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
tinder is all about the long game
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.