accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.