When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
no regrets
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
At least my masseuse has my back.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter