When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.