MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11