*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Pandas 🐼🖤
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose