me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
this is uni
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
i want to work in this restaurant
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I am yelling
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Breaking news:
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.