5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense