I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”