Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Just grow your own
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.