[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Worth a try
Batman v Dracula
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
LOL!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening