Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.